Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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