so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
