Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
