i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
