Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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