he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
