if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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