i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I am naked and annoyed.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
