I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
