I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
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