i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
