Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
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I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
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This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
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