Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
