the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
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So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
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After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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