This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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