can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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