Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
