yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
