Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
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