I feel like I'm in dance class right now
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
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