that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
