On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
