No stitches, just platelets and will power
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Everyone says I win the strip club
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
