I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
