If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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