I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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