I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
