i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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