We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
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I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
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Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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