My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
