I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
