Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
