I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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