Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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