OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
