Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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