She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
