chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
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