Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
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We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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