fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
