She went from zero to smokin in five shots
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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