nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
And then he peed in my hair
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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