I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
