i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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