Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
