The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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