Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
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she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
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My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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