fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
No more Irish car bombs ever.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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