I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
True strength comes from lack of pants
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
