i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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