dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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