Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
