I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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