you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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