I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
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If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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