My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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