Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
