I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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