dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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