I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
